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Moving into a new home or situation can be traumatic for any child, but especially for the children in the Foster System. More often than not, these kids have been torn away from difficult, painful, and unsafe situations, yet those situations are also familiar. Familiarity gives us a sense of comfort, even if the familiar thing isn’t in our best interest.
For this reason, the holidays can be so painful for Foster kids. Even if they aren’t in a new home this holiday, the holidays can bring up a lot of uncomfortable feelings for the kids in our care. As parents, it’s our job to help our kids navigate powerful emotions, even (and maybe especially) when they make us uncomfy. But often, enthusiastic and loving resource parents may come off too hot as they try to help their kids walk through the not-so-great experiences and memories of the past or unrealistic expectations of the present.
We’ve got 5 tips on navigating the holidays as Resource Parents that we hope you find helpful and bring a little more joy into your kids’ lives.
Set Expectations Upfront:
So many kids who come to us have been living in survival mode for most, if not all, their lives. Just because they’ve moved into a stable and safe environment doesn’t mean their nervous system has caught up. This is why open communication is so important! Letting your child know the expectations for the holidays in your house ahead of time gives them time to mentally and emotionally prepare. It gives you both time for them to experience their emotions and move through them, so when that holiday party or family photo shoot comes, they’ve already had time to process and get comfortable with what’s about to happen.
A big bonus is that when you prepare your kids for things that might be a trigger or even a little overwhelming, you’re also communicating to them that their safety and comfort are important to you and that you want them to feel prepared and safe. This is huge for children who may have felt side-swiped for much of their lives and helps them learn that you are someone they can trust, not only to be honest with them but to be by their side as they walk through events they find challenging.
Include Favorite Traditions:
A big mistake that we see a lot of parents making is tip-toeing around the past. It’s well-meaning but ultimately unhelpful. Most kids want to talk about their lives and experiences, but they just don’t feel safe or allowed to do so. Asking your kiddos about their favorite holiday traditions is a great stepping stone to more significant conversations. You’re highlighting happy memories, and while those memories might be tinged with some grief, they’re probably pretty special too. Ask lots of questions, and if you find they’re resistant to answering one, don’t press the matter until they’re ready to trust you. Kids are way more capable of telling us what they’re ready to talk about than we often give them credit for, and respecting that will help build that trust and safety they desperately want and need.
Then include those traditions in your holiday plans! Let your kids know that what is special and important to them is special and important to you. Blending in old traditions they love will make embracing the new ones you’ll create as a family easier.
Shift Focus:
Biologically when we’re in survival mode, we are completely incapable of focusing on anyone but ourselves. Which makes sense; we’re trying to survive, for Pete’s sake! What’s super interesting, though, is that one way to help us get out of that survival focus is to look for ways to serve others. This makes the holidays a great time to give back as a family. Have conversations about why you’re giving back or why you’ve chosen to give back in this specific way. There are so many amazing organizations to support or donate to, but also get creative. Consider making care packages for those experiencing homelessness, goodie bags for local first responders, or even baking cookies to give to your neighbors.
Giving back produces chemicals in our brains that help to calm and soothe us, plus it widens our world from a self-centered place to one of connection and shared experiences.
Advocate For Bio-Family Visits:
Every child’s experience is different, but no matter what kind of situation your child came from, there is so much grief that comes from being away from our biological families during the holidays. But by advocating for your child to spend quality time with their family safely, you may give them the greatest gift.
Many children in Foster Care feel conflicting loyalties between their bio and resource families, which is simultaneously understandable and heartbreaking. Resource parents advocating for their children to spend time with bio families – especially during the holidays – can help alleviate that conflict. By permitting them to and not being offended when kids miss their family and home, you communicate that you are ultimately on their side and want what’s best for them.
Prepare Extended Family:
Resource parents have to work within specific legal parameters to protect the children in their care, and sometimes well-meaning extended family members might need help understanding these rules. It’s a good idea to sit with extended family and friends before holiday gatherings to prepare them for the expectations around interacting with your child. Establishing solid boundaries that will protect your child and help them deal with any nervousness, fear, or overwhelmedness doesn’t make you the bad guy; it makes you a great parent.
Skipping big family events might work better for you this year, especially if this is your first holiday together. And we know that may disappoint some family members, but at the end of the day, you are not responsible for their disappointment. You are only responsible for providing your child or children with a safe holiday that works for them.
Remember that many of the kids who come through Foster Care have years of trauma in their past. One holiday season isn’t going to heal all their pain and grief magically. But when you establish yourself as a loving ally, there to walk them through life in every season, it just might make their holidays sweeter, more memorable, and yes, a step towards healing.
