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Do you ever find yourself questioning why your child reacts a certain way? Do you become frustrated when they throw a tantrum over something seemingly insignificant or, at other times, seem emotionally distant and withdrawn?
Overblown and inappropriate responses can be a source of serious frustration when raising a foster child. It’s easy to be reactive and get upset with the child, but if we take a step back to better understand why your child reacts the way they do, it’s easier to address the root of the problem.
How kids relate to others is informed by experiences early in life. The bonds they form with their caregivers affect both their self-worth and their ability to navigate difficult emotions. Foster youth—who often deal with a history of trauma and neglect—are more likely to have what psychologists refer to as ‘insecure attachment styles,’ which can manifest themselves through troublesome behavior.
In this blog, we describe the basics of attachment theory and provide you actionable advice for forming secure attachments with your foster kids.
What is Attachment Theory?
“All children need to know that they’re precious and unique and special. But, a child who comes from a hard place needs to know it more desperately.” -Dr. Karyn Purvis
Childhood attachment is the bond formed between a caregiver and a youth. Attachment theory describes the way attachments are formed early in life and how these affect the way in which we relate to others. There are essentially four attachment styles:
- Secure – Securely attached youths can clearly and openly communicate their feelings and are able to form trusting relationships.
- Avoidant – Tendency to mask emotions. Children with this attachment style can seem withdrawn or distant and do not appear to experience much emotion when a caregiver leaves, or they are reunited with a caregiver. Still, this perception often differs from their internal reality.
- Anxious/ Ambivalent – Marked by fear of rejection and abandonment, low self-esteem, and difficulty trusting others.
- Disorganized – Defined by confusion and uncertainty, children with a disorganized attachment style are often volatile and display a wide range of intense emotions during basic interactions with their caregivers.
Avoidant, ambivalent, and disorganized are all considered ‘insecure’ attachment styles and can lead to problems in relationships later in life (not just romantic, but all relationships). Foster kids (and children in general) can form insecure attachments as a result of separation, parenting inconsistencies, abuse, and neglect, among other factors.
Secure attachment should be the goal of every caregiver, whether it’s a child’s biological, adoptive, or foster parent. Forming secure attachments positively influences a child’s self-worth and their ability to trust others, setting them up for success later in life.
Why Does Attachment Style Matter?
Attachment deeply affects the chemistry of the brain. Children who have a history of secure attachment are generally more successful socially, cognitively, academically, and professionally.
Conversely, children with insecure attachment are at a significantly higher risk of developing addictive behaviors—like alcohol, drugs, and sex—to make themselves feel better because relationships couldn’t. Generally, 3-10% of children have disorganized attachment styles, but in at-risk and foster youth, this number is 80-85%!
A child’s attachment style generally stays with them until adulthood and guides their emotional development.
How You Can Help Create Secure Attachments
“The ways you communicate with our child, the environment you create, all those things literally influence the structure of the brain, and I don’t know anything more biological than that.” – Dr. Daniel Siegel
Research shows the brain chemistry of a child who cries and no one comes is dramatically altered. But while trauma can harm the brain, research also suggests that the right type of nurturing has the power to help heal the brain. When you take care of a child, you communicate they are wanted, protected, and safe. As a result, they learn to trust you.
Fostering a secure environment stems from empathy, openness, and availability. Being there for kids and willing to help talk them through their emotions will help them develop self-regulating behaviors—a marker of secure adults.
What Is a Secure Adult?
Secure adults are self-sufficient, comfortable with intimacy, have high self-esteem, and are capable of asking for help when they need it. Other hallmarks of secure adults include open communication, self-regulating behaviors, and the ability to navigate conflicts thoughtfully and constructively.
To help foster kids grow into happy, healthy adults, it’s essential to offer them the care and support they need as children. The most important thing is being there for them. A little bit of patience also goes a long way 🙂
What If I Don’t Have a Secure Attachment Style?
Having an insecure attachment style doesn’t make you a bad parent. On the contrary, being self-aware and taking time to reflect and better understand your attachment style makes you better equipped to support at-risk youth. Adults’ attachment styles can change by being self-aware. In parenting your children, you’re parenting your inner child as well.
Conclusion
There are a lot of things that can impact kids’ emotions, but few are as powerful as the attitudes and expectations formed by attachments early in life. Helping kids form secure attachments is instrumental in shaping their emotional development.
Kamali’i Foster Agency works with resource families to support foster youth. Our training and support equip parents with the tools they need to raise healthy, happy kids. For more resources, including blogs, videos, and trainings, check out our Resources page.
