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Fostering is full of ups and downs! But really, life is full of ups and downs. Unfortunately, the vast majority of Foster Youth have experienced far more “downs” than “ups” in their short life. Many of these children come from unsafe or traumatic backgrounds and have endured more insecurity and heartache than anyone should in a long lifetime.
This is why it’s so incredibly important to help the children in your life learn to celebrate those ups! In fact, so much research has recently shown that one of the biggest keys to being a resilient and emotionally healthy adult is learning to find joy and celebrate your life. We’ve collected a few tips on helping your kids–and yourself–learn to find pockets of celebration in their everyday lives, no matter how big or small.
Failing Well
There isn’t a person on this planet who likes failing. Failing sucks! It’s also a natural and even vital part of life. But if you’ve failed in the past or feel like a failure, failing at even the simplest of tasks can feel like a crushing blow to your sense of self. This is why we think failing at something is a great opportunity to rewrite that neural pathway or inner critic.
When your child fails at something, look for the positive lesson in the failure. It can help to think of failure as a sort of reverse engineering on success. We think of the Thomas Edison Quote:
“Never Say I Failed 99 Times, Say I Discovered 99 Ways Which Causes Failure!”
The idea isn’t to pretend that your child didn’t fail at something but rather to help them see how that failure is teaching them an important lesson. A failed test doesn’t mean they’re dumb, it means they haven’t found the right study method yet. The point here isn’t to celebrate failure but rather to celebrate the opportunity to learn something new. In fact, sometimes the win in failure is that they were willing to try, and that’s always worth celebrating!
Embrace Tradition
Most of us probably have fond memories of beloved family traditions we participated in growing up, and most of us probably have dreamed of passing those traditions on to our children at one time or another. And as important as it is to integrate your foster children into your family, it’s also important to make sure their own traditions aren’t erased from them.
Many of the kids in the foster system struggle with a sense of identity and knowing where they belong. When we, as their parents, make an effort to help them cultivate their unique family or cultural identity, it gives that child a chance to learn who they are and celebrate a part of themselves that’s important to keep alive. We always recommend every parent who opens their home to a new child ask them if there are any cultural holidays that the child loves to celebrate and then help them celebrate that. Let your child teach you about their traditions and help find festivals or other families who celebrate to help your whole family celebrate.
Keep Your Eyes Open
So much of parenting is observing. We watch our kids for signs that they’re healthy, happy, and thriving and signs that they’re struggling. The challenge when opening your home to foster youth is that it takes time to learn those signs, especially in children with backgrounds you might not know the full details of. This is why when you notice a positive change in your child, we encourage you to celebrate for both your sakes quietly.
For instance, if you’ve opened your home to a new child who is having a hard time adjusting and cries each night, that first night they fall asleep with no tears is a big win! These little souls are experiencing something painful and challenging, and all behavior is an indication of whether they feel safe or not. A child who has had a behavioral change is letting you know how they’re doing. And if that’s for the better, celebrate it! You don’t always need to draw their attention to it, but making it a mile marker in your relationship is definitely going to help us parents keep going! If your celebration is a pancake bar for breakfast or a big hug and an “I’m so proud of you,” make sure you take the time and celebrate, leaving a down for an up!
An additional note: If you’re noticing that some behaviors are getting worse, we want to remind you of two things:
- Communication is KEY! Make sure to talk with your child, case worker, and anyone else who can help shine a light on the behavior. The truth is, kids have the same full range of emotions adults have crammed into a tiny body with no emotional intelligence. Couple that with a background of trauma, and no matter how great a parent you are, kids are just going to have hard, rough, challenging, and even dark seasons. It is important to always communicate about it, especially with your child, and to keep your eyes open for when professional help is needed.
- A lot of research has come out over the past few years that proves that children will often (not always, but often) behave their worst around the people they trust the most and feel safest with. A kid, typically, isn’t going to behave badly around someone they fear will harm them. If your child has come out of a situation where they did fear someone would hurt them if they didn’t behave, their bad behavior with you could be a really good sign. This is why communication is your best tool at the end of the day. Doing your best to remain calm and talk to your child in a loving and gentle way while letting them know this behavior is unacceptable is your best bet to help them open up about the root of any behavior they display. As tough as it is, this can be a sign that you’re doing the best job you can, and we think that’s worth celebrating too. Sometimes celebrating looks like crying together as you walk through something really hard!
Get Hyped!
Everyone needs a Hype person; as parents, we should always be our kids’ biggest cheerleaders! Kids, especially foster kids, need a lot of positive reinforcement, but more than that, they need to know that you care, that you’re on their team, and that you’ll show up for them.
That’s why it’s so important not just to help our children make goals for themselves but to be there for them through every stage of those goals. And make a big deal out of them! Find age-appropriate ways to celebrate those big milestones and the baby steps that got them there(we think ice cream is always age appropriate)! There is nothing wrong (and, in fact, a lot right according to science) about rewarding big and small accomplishments. So whether it’s making the team, taking off the training wheels, or bringing their grade up by a few points, excite the accomplishment and remind your kiddo how stinkin’ proud of them you are!
Speak Their Language
Don’t worry, we’re not about to recommend you learn all the latest slang and use it with your kids. What we mean is to learn their love language. You don’t have to read a book or take a quiz to learn how your child feels most loved and appreciated. Simply ask them!
Some children might not know the answer, and that’s okay. Keep asking questions as you learn their quirks and cues for little kids asking them what makes them feel the warm fuzzies might be a great way of starting to understand how they feel loved. Experiment with different love languages and observe how each child responds to them. It could be helping them with a task they don’t like doing or feel overwhelmed by, baking or reading together, big bear hugs or high fives, a little gift just because you thought they’d like it, or telling them how much you love them and are proud of them, and so many other little things. Actively speaking to your child in their love language is a great daily practice of celebrating them and what makes them wonderful and unique!
There are so many ways to celebrate our kids, and this is just a few ideas, but we hope they get you thinking about how you and your family can better celebrate each other.
