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It takes a special person to become a resource parent. Resource parenting is going to be full of challenges and triumphs, but especially when you start out, there are going to be times when you feel in over your head.
An unexpected challenge for many resource parents is being so excited to welcome a child into your home, that you might be a little too excited. And we get it! So many of the kids you’ll welcome in have come from incredibly difficult situations that have left a permanent mark on them, and you want to scoop them up and love them. The challenge in that is that often when these kids come into our homes, they’re already overwhelmed. They’re scared, confused, maybe even numb. Many of these children don’t know how to trust the adults in their lives, and you’re no different.
Like with all relationships, building something healthy, whole, and secure takes time. But there are a few things you can do when welcoming a new child in to your home, that will help them learn to trust you and open themselves to all the love you have to offer.
Having a place to fully and safely be yourself is so important. Customizing a child’s room is a special way to help them feel more relaxed and at ease in your home. If you’re able to find out their favorite color or a special interest, paint and art work are easy and affordable ways to instantly make a big impact. If you don’t have the time before they come to you, this is also a great way to bond, by decorating together. Remember to make space for anything they may be bringing with them too so they can keep familiar objects close.
When you first welcome a child into your home, help them feel at home right away by giving a tour. And we don’t just mean show them the bathroom and their bedroom, open the cupboards and drawers so they know where the silverware is and where to get a cup. Show them the pantry and what snacks are available. Let them see where you keep extra toilet paper and bath towels. And remember to go at their pace. These kiddos are often scared and on edge, so it’s ok to take a break on the tour. Maybe start in the kitchen and have a snack before moving on. However it works for you and your child, make sure they feel like the house is theirs.
Many kids in foster care enter into situations with little to no context or understanding. This is why establishing expectations upfront is super important! Sit down as a family and talk about how things work in your house. What do chores look like, when is dinner time, what weekly activities will they be a part of? This might also be a good time to introduce them to photos of extended family they’ll meet. And don’t forget to talk about things like homework, playdates, screen time, and anything else that will help your child know what to expect in their new home. Lastly, if you feel pushback from your child, that’s pretty normal. For kids who come from chaotic situations, structure is something they crave, but it also feels incredibly unsafe. Don’t change your routines, but rather let your child learn to live in the safety of set expectations.
A great icebreaker is asking your child about their favorite things. Things like, ice cream, meals, games, and movies. When your child lets you in on this info about them, use it to help them feel like part of the family. Incorporate their favorite meals into your meal plan, in fact, have them help you make it! This is a great way to learn more about them. Ask why they love this dish so much? Who in their family always made it for them? Have a family movie night with their movie and talk about what they love most about it. Have them teach you to play their favorite game and get the whole family involved. Incorporating familiar things they love will go a long way in helping your child feel like part of the family!
Often children in foster care feel like they are voiceless. A great way to help your child feel like they’re a part of the family with a voice that is heard and respected is to allow them to make certain decisions. This is going to look different for every family, but for yours it might be choosing what chore they’ll do or how they’ll help around the house, or what kind of extracurricular activities they’ll participate in. Something you should always leave up to the child is what they’ll call you, and how you’ll refer to them. Not every kid will immediately want to call you mom or dad, or will want to be referred to as your son or daughter. Giving them the choice will help them feel respected and capable of making their own decisions. Respecting those decisions will help your child learn to trust you and believe that you’ll keep your word.
Whether you have children already or not, the biggest gift you can give to a foster child is treating them like they’re your own flesh and blood. If you would involve, include, or consult your own children on it, do the same with your foster child. Discipline them the same way you’d discipline your own child, take them on the outings or vacations you’d take your own kids. Many of these children have been in situations where they have felt unwanted, like a burden, or an after-thought. Knowing that some resource parents have a noble desire to over indulge or give their foster children special treatment. But that actually isn’t helpful. Treating them like your own child, teaching and guiding them through celebrations and sorrows will give them a better sense of belonging and love than you probably expect.
We know that becoming a resource parent is a big decision, but if this is a decision you’ve made or are thinking of making, we promise you won’t regret it. At Kamali’i we believe in being a community that supports families through every step of the way, so you’ll always have access to the help you need. But we also believe that when you respond to the heart calling to love a child in need, it means you’ve got what it takes to be the best parent to the children you’ll get to care for.