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What connections are most important in your life? What relationships make you feel loved and supported? Does your association with certain communities—like a church or sports team—give you a sense of belonging?
Our connections not only define how we relate to the world around us, but they also affect how we see ourselves. That’s why it’s so important that resource parents help foster kids keep their connections. Maintaining a foster child’s connections with their family, community, and culture provides them with a sense of continuity as they navigate the emotional hurdles that come with separation. By valuing past connections and preserving existing identities, you can help them feel more secure and grounded.
In this article, we explore the ways that you can help maintain your foster child’s existing connections while keeping them safe from the hurt they encountered in their past. We provide helpful tips for reconnecting a child with their birth family while also creating and maintaining effective boundaries. Let’s get started!
Tips for Interacting Birth Families
Taking care of children and dealing with trauma isn’t easy. It can sometimes be difficult to feel positive toward your child’s birth family—especially after hearing about the abuse and neglect they may have dealt with and working hard to help them come to terms with their past. However, it’s still essential to show the same respect and understanding toward their family as you would to anybody else.
As a resource parent, you play an important role in supporting not only your foster child but their family as well. Connection doesn’t necessarily mean reunification, so it’s important to set aside any sense of jealousy or resentment you may feel toward your child’s birth parents (often understandably) and instead validate the importance of relationships that have played a key role in your foster child’s life.
If safe, it can be a good idea to invite your child’s birth parents to any big events, like birthdays, school plays, doctor’s appointments, etc. They may not show up, but at least this way, you make them feel included and give them the opportunity to be there for their kids. This small gesture can dramatically improve your relationship with your foster child’s birth family.
It’s also important to respect your child’s relationship with their siblings and extended family. After being separated, children often worry about their siblings, especially if they act as caregivers to younger brothers or sisters. Not knowing where their siblings are or if they’re being appropriately cared for can often be a source of trauma. When presented with these situations, work with your social worker to help support these connections.
When working to maintain connections with a child’s extended family, don’t feel like you have to include everyone equally. Instead, ask your foster child who is important and what family they want to maintain connections with. Do they have a particular cousin or aunt who’s their favorite? Are they especially close to their grandparents?
Tip: Keeping treasured pictures of your child’s birth family in your house is another great way to foster continuity.
Your foster child may have questions about their birth family that you might not have the answer to. It’s ok to say that you don’t have all the answers. Instead of guessing or trying to change the subject, assure the child that you’ll work with their social worker to find the answer.
Preparing for a Visit
After your social worker approves your visit, it’s important to communicate any important details or changes with the birth family. Use whatever form of communication works best for both of you. When interacting with the family, be sure to maintain an empathetic disposition.
Don’t feel like you have to invite everyone to your home. Low-stakes environments, like the park, are often easiest for everyone.
It’s also important to set boundaries before the visit and communicate any problems with your social worker before, during, or after the visit.
Your child may not yet feel comfortable meeting with their birth family, but it doesn’t mean they won’t one day want that connection. Before scheduling interactions between a child and their birth family, always make sure to ask them if it’s something they’re ready for. If they’re not, it’s always ok to postpone and reschedule.
Culture and Community
In addition to family relationships, cultural connections and community engagement are essential for supporting feelings of security and belonging. When it feels like their whole world is changing, you can provide comfort to your foster child by keeping them in the same school, church, or activities whenever possible.
You can also show support by learning as much as you can about your foster child’s culture. Remember, culture is more than simply which neighborhood your foster child is from or what language they spoke growing up. Previous home environments are also part of their culture, and you can support them by asking what foods they like to eat or how they celebrate holidays. By honoring past traditions, you help them feel more at home in their new environment.
Conclusion
Maintaining important connections that your child had before placement can be challenging, but it is also essential to make them feel loved and supported.
Not all important connections have to involve your child’s birth family. Culture and community can also support your child’s identity and provide a sense of continuity.
Ask to get a sense of what matters most to them. Try to find out what relationships they cherish, what traditions bring them the most joy, and what activities provide a sense of comfort and belonging. Then, create a plan for maintaining and nurturing these relationships.
As a team, you and your social worker are your foster child’s greatest resource. So, it’s your responsibility to work with them to make sure all your child’s needs are met. Not just their needs for food and clothing but also their connections with the most meaningful aspects of their lives.
For more helpful articles, check out the Kamali’i blog!
